Mission's are hard. They're supposed to be. But sometimes you set goals and feel the spirit and know that God's saying he'll preppare a way and you can accomplish whatever goal it is.... and then you don't. You really feel like you failed the Lord. It's uber hard. But something I learned here is that there's a difference between depression and divine discontent and I think it applies post-mission. Depression makes it hard to work/pray/study/anything. Divine discontent takes you to your knees and then to the field a little harder.
Small scriptural example I found this week (only in spanish). In 2 Nephi 2 (somewhere near the end) Nephi gives a little self evaluation; pretty much what he says is "I'm a kid. I'm a big kid.... but still a kid." Exceedingly young even. Pretty focused in his weaknesses. And then he goes on his "mission." Which, all things considered, goes terrible. He knows the Lord's going to provide a way, so their big plan is to just go ask for the plates. That doesn't work out. Complete failure/attempted murder. Okay, next plan: we'll buy them. Not a bad plan. Probably a pretty good one. But again, complete failure/attempted murder again/they lose every possesion they had (Side note: this means there's no going back to Jerusalem. Which is probably particularly bothersome to Laman and Lemuel who, I think, probably really didn't think the whole "wilderness" thing was a life time commitment). Okay so the Lord said he was going to prepare a way. So why isn't there a way prepared? They went from blind (probably naive) faith, to commiting everything they owned to the faith that there would be a way prepared. And there's still no way prepared. So finally Nephi has to trust in the spirit (still has to work) and trust that maybe he doesn't really know best. And you know the rest. But then in chapter four he gives another self evaluation (post-mission) where he says something like "I Nephi being large in stature and having received much strength from the Lord." So compare that with chapter 2-self description. In what must have been a few weeks, maybe a month, he goes from a big kid to having received much strength of the Lord. And I think that change was really the point where Nephi became a person that could father a nation and cross oceans and be super awesome all the time.
Now imagine if the Lord had prepared the way like Nephi thought he would and all they had to do was ask. How different would Nephi be after that? So I think that's why missions are so hard. Sometimes (most of the time) we leave on our missions knowing the Lord's going to prepare a way and people will be prepared to receive us and we think (like Nephi) that all we really have to do is go ask who wants to be baptized. Well that doesn't work out. Then we think, "okay I've gotta give away all my earthly possesions and "buy" some success" Aka everything depends on us and that we work like mad and chase every one we see down and force some lessons down their throat. This also dones't work. And I think that's where missions get depressing. We're working hard. Doing everything we can. Why isn't there a way prepared? Why isn't their a line of people outside our door every morning waiting to get baptized? And I think the answer is the same for us as it was for Nephi; we wouldn't be any different after a mission if all we had to do was go ask. That plus, like Elder Holland said, "Salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation was never, ever easy for Him. Why should we expect it to be easy for us? We are His church and if we're going to wear His name we better be prepared to spend a moment in Gethsemane and take at least a small step toward Calvary." (He gives super intense addresses in his visits to the MTC. Look them up.)
Anyways, that's something I learned this week. I also learned that fleas are litterally the worst creation ever. Our eternal battle against them has been going downhill. my legs are DESTROYED.
Love you family, Elder Brian
